gloomy and damp

The rain makes it harder. During days like these; weeks like this. The rain brings out an extreme I’m trying to balance with the other.

But the rain, oh the rain just doesn’t help does it? It carries so much of the past and calms me into the familiarity of a mindset I’ve long grown out of.

The rain makes it seem so comforting, so welcoming, I can’t help but release myself into their arms. And then I’m back. Warm and wet, soaked in my own tears but I’m not cold.

Never shivering.

Or maybe I am but I can’t tell because the rain keeps me present in that past. And in that past I find a pain that was there for me so long it’s hard to navigate life without it. I don’t want to leave.

But I know I can’t stay because it hurts even though it soothes.

And I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do because I love the rain. I loved the rain? Or maybe I loved the feelings it brought or the sounds it made or the emotion it evoked. Whatever the case I can’t just let it go and move on.

But I don’t know how to stay.