letter #10

Dear J,

You have always been my what-if. My what-could’ve-been. Looking at you now, I don’t see any of the flaws everyone says you have. I don’t hear any of their lies.

All I see is beauty. Gritty, tired bags always hanging underneath your eyes, faded and worn, but something about this makes you always more beautiful than before.

I see triumph over decades of destruction. I see you waiting there, arms open, eager for me to dive in. I see you welcoming me with images of what could be.

I see you painting pictures for me — Art worthy of the Louvre but too bold to be hung. Too daring, too different, too challenging.

I hear you speaking words of mischief and sensation into my ears. Showing me a life I’ve never chosen.

I don’t want to ruin this taste of you in my mouth. I don’t want to taint this vision, turn my dreams into something not so magical.

I want to visit you and be taken at night with racing thoughts of us. Sexy, tantalizing, teasing to an edge so high but never letting me fall.

I want to dance this line forever.

I never want to fully give myself to you.

Because then you’d just become a memory. A smile I used to know. A touch I used to crave. I don’t want past tenses and a box of memories tucked under my bed.

I want a present full of us. I want a mouthful of you to taste fresh every time I take a sip, a bite. I want endless surprises. I want nonstop excitement. I want your hands on me to spark with each stroke on my back. I want your voice to have the hairs on my arms on edge. I want you the morning after a sleepless night. And the day after that.

So I don’t know if I could ever give all that I am to you and I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I’m too scared that our reality would not live up to the what-ifs we’ve created in our minds.

I’m sorry I’m too scared of them ruining us to take that leap.

But I’ll always keep coming back for moments of us and I hope that that’s enough for you.

Because I could never say goodbye forever.

Love,

Natalie

Above was an excerpt from my first book the way the waves fell.

To read more, take a look at where you can purchase it here:

https://www.indiebound.org/book/9781696123815