You have always been my what-if. My what-could’ve-been. Looking at you now, I don’t see any of the flaws everyone says you have. I don’t hear any of their lies.
All I see is beauty. Gritty, tired bags always hanging underneath your eyes, faded and worn, but something about this makes you always more beautiful than before.
I see triumph over decades of destruction. I see you waiting there, arms open, eager for me to dive in. I see you welcoming me with images of what could be.
I see you painting pictures for me — Art worthy of the Louvre but too bold to be hung. Too daring, too different, too challenging.
I hear you speaking words of mischief and sensation into my ears. Showing me a life I’ve never chosen.
I don’t want to ruin this taste of you in my mouth. I don’t want to taint this vision, turn my dreams into something not so magical.
I want to visit you and be taken at night with racing thoughts of us. Sexy, tantalizing, teasing to an edge so high but never letting me fall.
I want to dance this line forever.
I never want to fully give myself to you.
Because then you’d just become a memory. A smile I used to know. A touch I used to crave. I don’t want past tenses and a box of memories tucked under my bed.
I want a present full of us. I want a mouthful of you to taste fresh every time I take a sip, a bite. I want endless surprises. I want nonstop excitement. I want your hands on me to spark with each stroke on my back. I want your voice to have the hairs on my arms on edge. I want you the morning after a sleepless night. And the day after that.
So I don’t know if I could ever give all that I am to you and I’m sorry.
I’m sorry I’m too scared that our reality would not live up to the what-ifs we’ve created in our minds.
I’m sorry I’m too scared of them ruining us to take that leap.
But I’ll always keep coming back for moments of us and I hope that that’s enough for you.
Because I could never say goodbye forever.
Above was an excerpt from my first book the way the waves fell.
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