Seven things I wish I could say to you
2 min readJan 17, 2017
- You snatched the image in my mirror and ravaged it. You obliterated me past recognition. Throwing some deformed, grotesque monster before me as you whispered in my ear, “Now that is real beauty.”
- You shoved plate after plate of food down my throat only to throw my head back and stick your dirtied arm into the pit of my stomach, pulling each and every morsel out. Burning, tearing my throat apart as you flushed it all away, laughing when I cried of hunger because you only got to do it again and again until I learned to beg you to stop. I learned to develop an appetite for starvation for the days when the bleeding and bruising was too much.
- You taught me that suicide was tragically beautiful. Something that would redeem me in all of my disgusting glory. Something that would make people love me, see me, make me love me. You made me think I had to die in order to be free.
- You made me feel like I had a scar carved across my face for being who I was, as if who I’ve always been is as ugly and mutated as you’ve always said I was.
- You tore my heart in two as I struggled to bridge the gap between two worlds, trying desperately not to drown in the middle when the world was telling me I’d never be enough.
- You have taken me away from the life I should’ve been living and the fight I should’ve been fighting. You watered down my thoughts and pushed me towards convention instead of helping me think for myself and see the world through doubting eyes.
- You are the love of my life and I feel like I am betraying you by writing this list, but I can’t stay silent anymore.
