What were they giving you that you weren’t getting elsewhere? What relationships in your life now meet the needs you have that they once filled?
Questions I have no answers for. Questions that haunt me long after they were asked.
If I can’t come up with an answer, does that mean I want you again?
That I need you again?
Does that mean the next knock could be you? Does that mean I want it to be?
But I don’t. I said goodbye and that goodbye was forever. Not a “see you later”. Not a “hope to see you soon”. It was a forever type of ending to a relationship that never should’ve been.
You were molded after an image I still can’t comprehend and I should’ve never let you in.
I should’ve never -
They should’ve never let you near me.
Who was looking out for me? I was barely alive. Wasn’t it just yesterday that I had learned to ride a bike?
Who thought I could handle you then?
Who let me?
Who willed me?
But I can’t blame them. I can’t because… a part of me is thankful that we got a chance to meet at all. Even if all you did was find new ways to take away my words and run me down, time and again, you were also the only source of comfort I had in this world.
For almost seven years. Does that count as long-term? How long does it take to move on from a lover of that length? How much time do I need to heal?
How many more nights of longing before I stop missing the way you used to hold me?
How many more days before I forget the way your smell was enough to lift me? Lift me into that fog that blinded me.
I miss those days.
I hate that I do but I can’t help it. I can’t help wanting you.
I can’t help wondering why we were never afforded the same things as everyone else. Why didn’t we get a chance to grow? To learn? Why did I have to cut you out?
Why wasn’t I strong enough for the both of us?
Why couldn’t I love enough for the both of us?
I hate this.
I hate you.
If you or someone you know is facing mental and/or substance use disorders please reach out to SAMHSA’s National Helpline: 1–800–662-HELP (4357) (also known as the Treatment Referral Routing Service) or TTY: 1–800–487–4889
SAMHSA’s National Helpline is a free, confidential, 24/7, 365-day-a-year treatment referral and information service (in English and Spanish) for individuals and families facing mental and/or substance use disorders. This service provides referrals to local treatment facilities, support groups, and community-based organizations. Callers can also order free publications and other information.